Tom Adams

Holidays, Families and Connections

Recent conversations have reminded me that holidays are not times of joy for all. Despite all the songs of good cheer and joy, holidays are a mixed bag for many, and a time of deep pain for some. This post explores this continuum of holiday experiences, and invites your reflection on how you view the arriving holidays.

Waiting and Wondering in a Chaotic Time

Chaos and uncertainty abound these days. Nature is doing its part to remind us life is messy and we aren’t in charge. I woke up last week to howling winds, temperatures too cold for my liking and some light snow. Friends in PA and MI were digging out from huge snow storms while friends in FL complained about this unusual cold and needing to turn on their heating systems.

Gratitude for Bill Wilson on his Birthday

Last week, November 26, was Bill Wilson’s birthday. He was born 129 years ago in 1895. He is the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous with Dr. Robert Smith of Akron. Like many people in recovery from addictions, I feel indebted to Bill and his wife Lois, and Dr. Bob and his wife Anne. The couples’ love for each other empowered Bill and Bob to survive a deadly addiction to alcohol. Together they created a “way out” of the despair and torture of an illness destructive to them, and their families.

The Circus is in Town: A Great Time to Consider the Power of Contemplation

The nomination of Matt Gaetz to be the Justice Department Secretary pushed me over the edge. I, like many, couldn’t believe it. It made crystal clear to me that the circus is indeed in town. Having studied a little Latin, I wondered if this was indeed the Circus Maximus, the greatest circus of all times.

Processing a Loss: Listening to our Communities

Well, so much for being a poll denier. I made a decision to not believe the polls about the election and trust that good would triumph. While it turns out I was quite wrong, I am grateful to Big Spirit for that gift. While it didn’t protect me from worry, it did help me stay hopeful as I did what I could to support candidates I believed in.

Every Vote Counts – Take Action Today!

Our youngest son loved to play soccer from a very early age. One year, the annual end-of-season potluck dinner featured a sports reporter from a local TV station. Besides congratulating and encouraging the kids, he left them with a message I have never forgotten. He very dramatically talked about Winston Churchill who, when the world was under attack from an evil leader with a demonic set of beliefs, repeated over and over: “Never, never, never, never, never give up.”

Holidays, Families and Connections

My own experience of holidays has become more positive over recent years. Earlier in my life, I dreaded holidays for many reasons. Most importantly, I was slow developing my ability to receive love. I saw my own and family imperfections as glaring, and didn’t look forward to holiday gatherings. Being inclined to eat and drink too much, holidays fed my addictions in unhealthy ways. Because I was preoccupied with my work, I dreaded the time required for gift shopping and family rituals. Work kept me busy, thereby avoiding feelings.

Gratefully, because of decades of Twelve Step recovery and exploring other ways of growing emotionally and spiritually, holidays are much more joyful now. I look forward to gathering with family and expressing love to those closest to me.

I still initially resist the added activities and their competition with my rituals and “agenda du jour”. The good news is that I recognize the tension, and move to acceptance more quickly.

Currently, I’m reminded that there are people in a range of emotional and spiritual pain at this time of year. One friend is in the process of separating from a husband who has a progressively debilitating drinking problem. The couple has a three-year-old child. The wife is young, early in her own career. She feels overwhelmed by working and caring for her child; she feels depressed and at times, hopeless. The invitations to holiday gatherings are reminders that “her family” is being torn apart.

Two women who work at our local food store died in the last two weeks. For their families and fellow employees, this holiday season will likely bring mixed feelings. Another friend thought he was going to have surgery to remove a cancer and found out it is inoperable. He has been involved in recovery for many years and is able to be grateful he gets to say goodbye to his family. This holiday is indeed different for him and his family,

Conversations with friends have also reminded me of practices that can help with holidays whatever one feels or experiences. The first is the practice of being responsible for one’s choices. Holiday relief came for me when I decided I had choices about how or whether to be involved in a holiday gathering. If sadness, fear, or resentment blocked me from participating in a healthy way, I could choose to do something more nurturing.

I developed a network of friends who understand me, and encourage healthy behavior and attitudes. I talk with them more often during challenging times, and increase my attendance at Twelve Step meetings and gatherings. They support my recovery behaviors, and not my negative thinking.

I make sure I am staying close to whatever God I believe in. I do that through morning quiet time for discernment; through it I grow in my faith and love for the world. By being in conversation with Big Spirit throughout the day (when I remember!), I decide what is, and isn’t mine to do.

There is joy in families and friends coming together. And there are challenges. Wherever you are on the continuum this year, there is a path to accept where you are. You can make choices that reduce unnecessary pain, and increase a sense of being connected to people who care for you. I believe that is the spirit of the season.