Editor’s Note: We mark the end of September and Recovery Month with a practical post about the personal choices people in recovery make each day. A friend and recovery educator Bill Stauffer works with people who recover from addiction by many pathways. He explains his personal choice to abstain totally while recognizing each person is free to choose their recovery path. As noted in my Sept. 6 post on Recovery Month, there is way too much denial of the power of addictions and too little awareness of the large number of people who choose recovery.

I have been in recovery quite literally my entire adult life. The early days were very difficult. I was 21 years old attempting to stay in recovery and avoid all alcohol and other drug use while my peer group was in full experimentation mode. As I developed what is called recovery capital, recovery became easier. Yet, it is important for me to note here for readers that recovery is something I need to pay attention to. I take care of myself to stay in recovery. I am a few weeks shy of 38 years in recovery, I have developed a lot of recovery capital. Yet sustaining recovery still takes effort. 

People ask me if I think that for me, if I used alcohol or other drugs like cannabis even once if I really think it could lead to a full resumption of use and extreme negative consequences, up to and including the loss of everything I have worked for and quite possible my own death. The answer is yes. I do believe this. In the same breath, I also understand that substance use conditions are on a continuum, there are people for whom this may not be the case. There are people who can go through a less severe substance use condition who can moderate their use after some life changes. Every bit of evidence I have gained personally and professionally informs me I am not one of those people. 

For people like me with the severe form of a substance use condition, use is more akin to an on or off light switch. A non-dimmable light with only two positions. When I was “on” I had no sense of when I would have one or two or when I would do crazy things to obtain drugs and among other things I would often lose all recollection of events. When sentience would return, I would find myself in strange settings with a great deal of remorse and dread over what may have happened but zero memory. That is what “on” looks like for people like me.

“Off” looks like a good life where I can be productive, have fun and contribute to my community. There is no comparison between the two lives. I drove cars in blackouts when the switch was in the on position and could well have easily killed innocent people. Those really frighting states that I can recall vividly and viscerally even decades after my last one. I never want that again. Nothing is worth that. Nothing. Grateful as a word does not come anywhere close to communicating how I feel about never experiencing that happen again. You can call it luck or divine intervention or whatever else you want, I know I am fortunate here. It means that keeping that switch in the off position is what needs to occur unless I want to invite tragedy in my own life and the lives of whomever I may encounter. 

So, in mid-August, I was bouncing around as I do doing training, speaking, doing technical assistance and things I do in my role, a role I am also tremendously grateful for. I had just driven to Ohio to do some work with a recovery organization in the Cleveland area. It was a very long day, I had gotten up early, attended our staff meeting in Harrisburg and drove hours west to get up early and work with this Ohio organization. I checked into my hotel and walked to the nearest restaurant. I ordered dinner and a plain seltzer as I did not even want any caffeine so I could sleep well. What I ordered was the beverage on the left. What got delivered to my table was the drink on the right. Suspecting it contained alcohol as it clearly was not a plain seltzer, I put it up to my nose and confirmed it was an alcoholic beverage. It annoyed me, I called over the wait staff and got the beverage I wanted, a plain seltzer on the left. The switch remains in the off position from that first day in recovery through the posting of this post and hopefully for the remainder of my life. 

I know it could go the other way. That other door. I know people who ended their recovery in such a random moment More than one who is now dead because of similar circumstances. I was presented with alcohol while alone in a place away from home, which can be a risk factor for picking up the drink on the right. For me in that moment, it was not even a hard decision. I had no desire in that moment to drink the booze. Yet, it was a teachable moment for me on how these things can happen and why I took the picture and why I am writing about it now. If I was in a bad mood under the same circumstances would the decision not to drink have been harder? I suspect so. I believe I would still be able to decline the drink and stay in recovery. Yet I can never be entirely certain. That is why vigilance is a part of recovery for me. 

I reflected on the experience while I ate my dinner. I knew I would end up writing this and took the pictures. I went back to my hotel room and rested. I told Julie what had happened. The next day I got up and took the photo on the right of paddle boarders on Lake Erie in the foreground with Cleveland in the distance. What a magnificent sunrise! It was a great day spent with people in recovery invested in helping heal their community. I had dinner with a colleague in recovery who lives in the area, and I recounted what happened as sharing close calls is an important practice. I stayed in recovery for another day. In the end, it was a good experience for me to be reminded that recovery is not to be taken for granted. I was reminded of how a simple mistake of getting the wrong beverage delivered to a table can change the course of a life, or perhaps many lives. 

I opt for the recovery door today as I did on that day last month and as I have chosen every day for nearly 38 years. Recovery has provided me with a life beyond my wildest expectations. I would not trade it for anything, particularly for a few moments of numbness followed by deep remorse and the chance that I do profound harm to myself or other people around me. If I switch that thing on, it can devastate lives including my own. It stays off. That is what I am grateful for today. 

Every day is recovery day for those in recovery and an opportunity for more individuals and families tortured by addictions to find a way out.

This post and the photos are reprinted from a September 6, 2024 post by Bill Stauffer with permission.  Read more by Bill Stauffer on recovery and related topics at Wanderings, his weekly blog.