Editor’s Note: Bill Lammers is a friend who has been involved with addiction recovery for decades. He is currently the vice chair of the Board of the Hazelden Betty Ford Graduate School, a leader in training addiction counselors. Bill writes about the challenges and benefits of “choosing love” and ways to strengthen that practice. He offers a great message for this season of light for so many. 

How ‘often’ do we ask ourselves a question that begins with the phrase, “In These Perilous Times”? For me, it seems like ‘often’ has been repeating itself, well – quite often for the last several years. Earlier this month, my wife and I decided to give ourselves a short break from the constant barrage of ‘breaking news’ in our DC perilous environment and attend a day-long meditation retreat.

The title for the event was “Choosing Love in Perilous Times,” and the program was led by noted spiritual leader, psychologist, and author Tara Brach. Unfortunately, her husband Jonathan Foust, also a well-loved spiritual leader, was ill that day and unable to participate. Throughout this writing I will try to share some of what I learned—with an advance apology to Tara for any misunderstandings I may have internalized from her wonderful presentations.

To any ‘youngsters’ reading this piece, you may not connect with my title, What’s Love Got to Do With It? taken from the 1984 song by the legendary soul singer Tina Turner. The song was later the basis for a 1993 movie by the same name. While this writing has nothing specifically to do with Tina Turner, her quest to answer the eternal question embedded in the song echoed in my heart and mind during our day-long meditation. In retrospect, the cosmic convergence of a hit Tina Turner song, Buddhist meditation, and the environs of Catholic University provided a touch of humor, whatever one’s concept of a Higher Power might be.

Underlying much of Tara’s presentation was the idea of Radical Acceptance, crucial to spiritual awakening. Attendees, both onsite and online, were challenged to understand suffering based on the mistaken belief—and in my case, a gut-level sense—that we are separate from others. This belief disconnects us from our own goodness and keeps us in a ‘trance of unworthiness.’

During the day, I found myself relating what I was hearing to much of what I have encountered in 12-step recovery. The deep power of shame, a sense of aloneness, depression, anger, and fear were connections I identified with addiction. On the positive side, the power of “WE,” reaching out to others, having a spiritual path to follow, and the possibility of personal growth seemed to connect mindfulness and addiction recovery.

But what about “Choosing Love” with the really, really hard stuff? In 12-step recovery, we learn that justifiable anger may be a dubious luxury in trying to stay sober from our addictions. In mindfulness, we are encouraged to believe others are kind, trust benevolence, to love what we push away, and to recognize and investigate our shadow deities of fear, shame, grasping, and fight. In the process, we do not approve or justify behavior—our own or others. Rather, we agree with reality—say “this too”—and choose to love ourselves and our shadow deities in the moment.

Some of the most challenging obstacles to my choosing love relate to issues of justice and “othering.” When I experience people or institutions being treated unjustly by a specific individual and/or by uncaring and oppressive systems, my emotions nearly boil in disgust. In this case of ‘bad othering,’ I am called to take a U-turn: to understand my anger, look at what is hurting inside of me, and remember that vengeance is a form of grief. We are called to look at the ‘other’ through compassionate eyes—a process not easy by any reasonable measure. One of the best tee-shirt messages I encountered during the retreat was “Love An Other,” a phrase easy to misunderstand at a quick glance.

As our 12-step program is, in its essence, a program of action, choosing to ‘love in perilous times’ is also a program of action. We are not called to approve of the actions of others or the situations we encounter. Rather, there is the importance of action born of caring. When feeling helpless, we choose to help. When isolated, we choose to become involved. As Mr. Rogers taught us, when in difficulty, we look to the helpers—and where possible, we become one of them.

It seems that ‘Choosing Love in Perilous Times’ is a process of weaving mindful meditation into our daily lives. As in 12-step recovery, the answers are simple. Indeed, mindful meditation is imbued into all the twelve steps, particularly Step 11, “Sought Through Prayer and Meditation…” Now, if only ‘simple’ were ‘easy,’ our suffering would become less, and Tina Turner’s powerful question would be answered. Until we reach that transformation, to all I extend… Namaste!