Recent conversations have reminded me that holidays are not times of joy for all. Despite all the songs of good cheer and joy, holidays are a mixed bag for many, and a time of deep pain for some. This post explores this continuum of holiday experiences, and invites your reflection on how you view the arriving holidays.

My own experience of holidays has become more positive over recent years. Earlier in my life, I dreaded holidays for many reasons. Most importantly, I was slow developing my ability to receive love. I saw my own and family imperfections as glaring, and didn’t look forward to holiday gatherings. Being inclined to eat and drink too much, holidays fed my addictions in unhealthy ways. Because I was preoccupied with my work, I dreaded the time required for gift shopping and family rituals. Work kept me busy, thereby avoiding feelings.  

Gratefully, because of decades of Twelve Step recovery and exploring other ways of growing emotionally and spiritually, holidays are much more joyful now. I look forward to gathering with family and expressing love to those closest to me. 

I still initially resist the added activities and their competition with my rituals and “agenda du jour”. The good news is that I recognize the tension, and move to acceptance more quickly.

Currently, I’m reminded that there are people in a range of emotional and spiritual pain at this time of year. One friend is in the process of separating from a husband who has a progressively debilitating drinking problem. The couple has a three-year-old child. The wife is young, early in her own career. She feels overwhelmed by working and caring for her child; she feels depressed and at times, hopeless. The invitations to holiday gatherings are reminders that “her family” is being torn apart. 

Two women who work at our local food store died in the last two weeks. For their families and fellow employees, this holiday season will likely bring mixed feelings. Another friend thought he was going to have surgery to remove a cancer and found out it is inoperable. He has been involved in recovery for many years and is able to be grateful he gets to say goodbye to his family. This holiday is indeed different for him and his family,

Conversations with friends have also reminded me of practices that can help with holidays whatever one feels or experiences. The first is the practice of being responsible for one’s choices.  Holiday relief came for me when I decided I had choices about how or whether to be involved in a holiday gathering. If sadness, fear, or resentment blocked me from participating in a healthy way, I could choose to do something more nurturing. 

I developed a network of friends who understand me, and encourage healthy behavior and attitudes. I talk with them more often during challenging times, and increase my attendance at Twelve Step meetings and gatherings. They support my recovery behaviors, and not my negative thinking.

 I make sure I am staying close to whatever God I believe in. I do that through morning quiet time for discernment; through it I grow in my faith and love for the world.  By being in conversation with Big Spirit throughout the day (when I remember!), I decide what is, and isn’t mine to do.

There is joy in families and friends coming together. And there are challenges. Wherever you are on the continuum this year, there is a path to accept where you are. You can make choices that reduce unnecessary pain, and increase a sense of being connected to people who care for you.  I believe that is the spirit of the season.